Today I found myself in the Smokey Mountains at Clingman’s Dome, the high point of the state of Tennessee. At 6,643 feet, I was quite literally standing in a cloud. From the lookout tower I should have been able to see parts of North Carolina, Kentucky, Alabama, West Virginia, depending on which direction I was facing, but unfortunately the cloud cover was too thick to see much of anything. Regardless, it was spectacular knowing I was standing at the highest elevation I’d ever been at, and the cool mountain “smoke” felt amazing after the short but tiring hike from the visitor center to the peak. For a few minutes, I was on top of the world (well, the closest I’ve ever been.)

On the way back down, the fog thinned out in a few places, offering a few glimpses of the amazing views I’d been missing at the top. It took me three times as long to get to the bottom because every time there was a lookout with a clear view, I had to stop and take a picture. I was kicking myself for accidentally leaving my nice camera in the hotel, but fortunately my phone takes decent photos. I played around with panoramas and selfies, and took advantage of the “Great Smokey Mountain” geotag on Snapchat for a little while before continuing my descent. With my siblings way up ahead and my parents trailing behind, I enjoyed some time alone to walk and think.

Standing there, gazing out at the miles and miles of blue and green before me, I had a moment of self reflection. Even though I was slightly lightheaded from the elevation (and needing my inhaler), my mind was surprisingly clear. For a couple minutes, I let go of everything that was dragging me down. I stopped worrying about boys and money and school. I thought of my body as nothing less than the beautiful machine that had carried me there to this point. I took a breath, and I let it all go.

 

 After a busy summer of working multiple jobs, worrying about finances, stressing about friends and relationships, and just overall mental and physical exhaustion, this was what I needed to center myself again. Lately I’ve been letting myself be way too affected by negative energy, much of which is self produced. I fixate on little things and stress myself out. In the past week alone I’ve let my OCD consume me, had an anxiety attack while clothes shopping. I’ve snapped at my siblings and been rude to my parents for no reason. I let a boy I barely know ruin my mood and make me feel terrible about myself. I hurt my best friend’s feelings and then called her hysterically crying five minutes later. To be honest, I’ve truly disliked myself for reasons difficult to articulate.This is not the person I want to be.

Looking at the breathtaking mountain scenery I realized- I’m lucky. I am SO lucky. And I can be whatever and whoever I want to be. Maybe that’s cliché to write about, but it’s something I need to be reminded of.

So I decided that for the rest of my family vacation I’m going to have a change of attitude and spirit. It doesn’t mean everything is suddenly going to be easy. I’m still going to have to work hard to change the things I don’t like about myself. It’s still going to hurt when he doesn’t text back. I’m still going to have to worry about money, and classes and friends. But these things don’t have to consume me. I can breathe and get through it. I can let it go. And when this semester is over, I’m going to spend four months on a ship, traveling the world with my best friend. That’s worth focusing my energy on.

They say that if you can force yourself to smile for a while, you will actually start to feel better. Maybe it’s your muscles tricking your brain into thinking you’re happy, or maybe it doesn’t work at all, but as I walked the rest of the way down, I tried it. I smiled to my myself, and then you know what I did? I twisted my ankle and fell down in front of a dozen strangers, and it was so hilariously and perfectly me that I actually laughed. And I felt genuinely good.

My advice is to take some time today to reflect on and love yourself. Even if you can’t hop in your car and drive to the Smokies, there are little wonders all around you waiting to be found. Sometimes a little beauty and fresh air is all you need to recharge and help you start to feel better.